Each day the inner war goes on. I keep thinking I’m getting a bit stronger but each day brings new evidence that I have very little time left, perhaps just weeks. Everything I do takes more energy. It is hard to dress myself. Today I had to ask Char for help brushing my teeth. So every day I relinquish another little bit of independence. A few minutes ago I put a CD back into its folder. As I did no I realized I will probably never do this again. Another pleasure to be set aside.
Few of these moments are really difficult (except for my last small group Bible study) but there is a cumulative effect. And I know there are some steps remaining that will be extremely painful — saying good bye to my family. The hardest part will be the sense of deserting them. I am stepping into joy, while they are stepping into grief.
One of our sons has gone his own path, causing the whole family a great deal of pain in the process. But the rest of us are closer than ever. They will take excellent care of each other. And Char is an extraordinary woman with a great range of gifts. She will flourish.
As I look back over my 75 years, I am overwhelmed with gratitude at how gracious and kind the Lord had been. As I look around me right now,, I am amazed at how gracious and kind the Lord is even as life slips away from me a bit each day. And as I look forward to my release from the bonds of earth, I cry with anticipation at the joy that awaits me.
“See what love the Father has given us, that we should be called children of God, and that is what we are. Beloved, we are God’s children now; what we will be has not yet been revealed. What we do know is this: when he is revealed, we will be like him, for we will see him as he is.” With a promise like that awaiting me, how could I not be eager for my tomorrow?
And with that, I have to say that there is one more thing to relinquish this day: I can no longer maintain this blog. It is another piece of my lifelong ministry to which I have to say goodbye. I will try to continue being at least semi-active with m Bonhoeffer blog, at least until my book is securely in the hands of the publisher, which should be any day now.
Thank you, dear readers, and thank you dear Lord. My trust in you is higher than ever.